I’ve got to get back in here, into my head space, into my realm of fixing ‘me’. I didn’t think it could happen, but I’ve officially lost myself. I am only 9 lbs shy of my very original highest weight ever (289, I’m at 280 as of tonight) I sincerely thought I was still in the 260 range… But I’ve had headaches and spine issues for a while now and I finally decided it was my blood pressure, so I caved and weighed myself… Jesus fucking Christ I got…well, I got huge again. I’m not upset with myself, because I know I have given zero fucks about anything since my dad died… But… This is no more. No can do.
So come hell or high water, I’m back on the low carb trolly and back on the physical train- because this is just unacceptable.
I’ve been struggling a lot lately. Partially because I’m swimming in busy mentally (my body often just hibernates when I’m actually supposed to be busy, doing things….until that ‘oh shit’ moment.) and partially because physically, I’ve gotten probably worse…. I don’t even know. I’m so far off the ‘fuckitall’ scale these days….I literally don’t think I’ve ever given less of a shit. But heres the clincher- something in me still does care…. It’s like the small version of myself is sitting deep beneath my mountains of fat and screeching at the top of her bony lungs “I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO BE THAT LADY!”
Who is that lady…she’s the one at the grocery store who rides a motorized scooter because she can’t accomplish her work, or needs to sit in an aisle seat because she’s too big to sit straight forward in her chair…. she’s the lady whose skin is stretched so far she’s going to have an entire person of flab removed if she ever did lose that weight, which she won’t because nobody fucking cares.
Not her husband- he gave up ages ago. Not the people she hangs out with, they’re too worried about their own crap to give a damn. No one cares, because you don’t either.
I feel like the girl who grows into the woman who doesn’t care….. and it’s not scary, it’s hurtful. I feel so betrayed by myself and my ability. I can’t even begin to talk myself down- I just feel like I’m ramming my head constantly against a brick wall that I alone built.
There’s exactly 5 months until my fucking wedding, and I’m exactly no thinner. Not that I have to be a thin waif bride, but it was supposed to be my ‘goal’…..something to aim for.
I keep bouncing back and fourth between feeling positively wretched about myself because I can’t fit into the latest trends and not caring enough to try… but I think I may have finally lost it….we all know that little voice that eggs us on to do things we shouldn’t. Mine typically says something like:
"Dude, shut the eff up and get a bagel. You’re starving and your only other option is those Spry mints in your bag…"
But is the absence of viable vegetarian and low carb food really a reason to eat something I know I shouldn’t? No. I know how to pack a lunch, I even have an adorbz Hello Kitty lunchbox (Thanks, Target!) to stuff my food into. But somewhere along the line I programmed myself to think that food I made at home or brought from home isn’t as good as food obtained elsewhere. Now how’s that for screwed up?? It’s like I trained myself to have a palette for over processed food from a bag….and because of it, I got back up to 260lbs, just a mere 29lbs from my highest and most feared weight.
So once again I’m back at the beginning, collecting images of girls with figures I feel I might be able to obtain, making goals for myself and trying desperately to slap that tiny voice right in it’s stupid face and say:
"I’m sick of being a lard ass, so shove it!"
Want some comparison photos? Ok…. here.
Me at my heaviest in 2004
Me at my lightest in recent history…2006ish @ 200lbs-ish
And me just a few weeks ago, ironically riding a pig…
OK. Let’s go.
I’m backish… I’ve been struggling to balance my own personal life with my concept of what this blog should be, as well as updating my supersecret blog which hasn’t really got anything terribly interesting besides some personal gripes and/or sob stories about my deseaced mother….
I have totally and completely fallen off the weight wagon. (It’s kind of like a welcome wagon, only full of butter instead…yessm.) I gave up caring for the most part because I was trying to get over the mountain of personal goals I have in other arenas in my life… I think a lot of folks discover that changing ones self isn’t as simple as they say it is- wether it’s one’s weight or one’s atittude, job or lifestyle….
But I’m back. I’m also trying to quit my addiction to soda, caffiene and cigarettes… Ok, cue maniacal laughing now… I’m not going to do it all cold turkey, I’ve resigned myself to not buying soda, though I still <3 my Monster Absolutely Zero. We’ll see how long it all lasts…
I also got scared away because of the tweeny-bopper backlash to one of my posts about ‘thinspiration’… I just didn’t want to deal, and this is the internet and I’m from Seattle, so I built my little PA wall and said “See ya next tuesday….”
I’m still fat, probably fatter now. But I won’t weigh myself yet, because I’m in a bit of a personal/emotional black hole and don’t want to start sobbing like a little girl. I’ll start doing that again soon I guess.
Ever looked up photos of body-lifts? The procedure they do when they take off all your saggy skin? It’s insane! Yeah, I’ll need that.
Here comes the bride…? Sorry it’s been so long, isn’t that what I’m supposed to say after a long hiatus? Well, I’m true. I haven’t forgotten the blogiverse. I’ve just been focused on being depressed (it’s Seattle in the winter, thats the way it is.) and trying to make sure I don’t fell miserably far behind in school. (Which I haven’t even a little, so go me.)
The other week I was able to wrangle up some of my girlfriends to bring along to the torture that is David’s Bridal so they could all laugh with me as I tried on the froofy dresses, and here’s the proof. I’m currently a Formal dress size 20, which I don’t feel terrible about, but am eager to carve a few numerals off that before “the big day”.
A lovely inforgraphic that tells the confused and non-believers how low carbing is for us…
So if anyone out there has been watching, you may have noticed that I haven’t updated this in a while… I guess I just sort of lost sight of my goals.
Is it strange to be slightly afraid of losing weight? It’s not that I’m “comfortable” in my current weight, but I’m afraid I won’t feel the same about myself once I drop it… As I’ve told you before, I’ve never been below 200… and even at that weight I remember getting a TON more attention than I do now. From men, people who “can’t believe I did it, omg!” and just everyone in general…. being fat is like wearing a cloak of invisibility, people love to ignore you or treat you like a last resort.
For so many people that is a giant reason why they’re trying to lose weight- to be noticed. But I already get noticed quite a lot because I’m a fairly outgoing and boisterous person….so whenever I drop down in lbs, I sort of go into overload mode and can’t handle it. Because along with the positive attention, comes the negative.
I always told Marius that I might not feel comfortable at my goal weight- it might scare me….but he never really ‘gets’ that idea….
In any event, I am hoping to get to the YMCA and sign up for a membership this week. I’m determined to start working out some more, I just plain miss being active. (I say underneath the covers on my couch with my cat…..hah.)
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Thinspo is so gross. These teenagers are going to grow up and realize men like a little something they can hold on to. Who makes 90-100 lb goals? Why not bump it up? Go to the gym, gain some muscle, train your metabolism, get your fit on.
Ya see, I’m not the only one who thinks like this!!! *high five*
So today was a bit of an emotional roller coaster (yay for drama!) and I must admit, I ate some junk. I think thats a current hurdle of mine- how to resist the urge to bury my troubles in frozen custard… And now that I think of it, would have been a glorious day to hit the gym…. Our television has been in the shop for a busted power supply since mid-december, so I couldn’t even bust out my gnarly old DDR pad and jam to my favorite series of arrows, and since it’s snowpocalypse 2012 in Seattle, there was no outdoor activity for this gal.
Tomorrow I may not have school thanks to aforementioned snowpocalypse- if that’s the case, I think I’ll head over to the YMCA and join up, then I’ve just got to do my best to resist overworking my knees so I can maintain a healthy regimine. Sometimes it’s tough to know when enough is enough in my world, wheather we’re talkign about food, exersize or whatever.
Since this is a public blog I won’t go into much detail about my personal life, though I’d love to slap out all my issues on the tumblr table…. but I do know that with many people who struggle with weight issues, emotional issues are usually involved as well. I wish I would have learned how to separate the two when I was younger, hell, I wish I learned how to do a lot of things when I was younger…but I guess thats part of the magic that comes with being an adult sometimes… as Marius says, “It’s ok to be a late bloomer…”
CW:245 (gained back some from eating my emotional pizza.)
Goal weight Goal: To resist the nagging hatred inside me, I am not a failure. I am not a failure. I am not a failure…